This is my life. and its perfection.

it is hard to believe i wrote all those words less than 2 months ago.

i have changed again but this time it was much more gradual and not as confusing

but i still dont quite understand.

my little experience with the pills seems so foreign

i cant even believe i tried that.....but i dont regret it.

i think i have just pushed it out of my mind.

thank goodness i havent told anyone

i dont know what they would do.

it feels wrong hiding it but i dont want to have to go to rehab or counseling.

but it also feels like maybe i should put myself through it.

but then people would find out. which can not happen.

i thought i would never take pills again

but now im taking the same ones for all the pain in my legs.

it is so much worse than i let anyone know.

sometimes i can hardly move without tears welling in my eyes.

even at school it hurts to walk down the hallway and sit at a desk.

at least no one sees me cry. thanks to the bathrooms.

and more of those damn pills.

everytime i swallow i remember

because they are the same ones i tried to take that night

but im not scared or panicked when i do it.

its funny but i just think that i dont care anymore

yeah life is good and i love it for the most part

i love my music and my best friends and art and smiling and hope and pictures and memories and laughter

but i think i dont care because there is still that little nagging part in the back of my head

telling me that everything that is happening doesnt really matter.

i will sink into the earth eventually anyway.

but i am focusing on blackening those thoughts and concentrating on anything, everything else.

even now trying to go back to find those thoughts

they are slipping away

i have such a strange emotional process

i wish i knew how to tell this to someone

not so they could tell me what is wrong

but so they could tell me i am not wrong.

i think i need to go find my notebooks and read them again

i mean after all, thats what i wrote them for right?

i need to start a diary....it feels good to write all this down. even if i am skipping a lot of it.

 

my legs are hurting again

so i have to go take some more pills so i can sleep tonight.

i probably have permenant damage to my liver by now

but thats all right with me

maybe i will die soon after all

 

 

 

 

you know what?

i love my life.

<3 cally