This is my life. and its perfection.

....and i am still here.

still alive.

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i was saved.

by the very thing i thought was taking me.

again i will write about the God i believe in.

He reminded me of emily dickinson's "feathered thing".

hope.

but there was also a person i now associate with me still being here.

though she will never know.

the woman who taught me how to use my voice, saved my life.

she gave me the chance.

memories flashed before my eyes as i stared at

death's face in the compacted elements.

an utterly stupid reason to come back to this life.

but it is why i am still here.

that hope i had in my dream i finally achieved.

just a tiny chance given for some unknown reason

that it would make me who i wanted to be.

and once again that final survival instinct kicked in.

almost too late.

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i will not give up again.

i am living for the girl living inside me.

the girl who does everything just to prove to herself she can.

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it was the most thrilling

and terrifying moment of my entire existence.

to have that unbelievable power in your hand is simply incredible and indescribable.

i cannot wait to stand at the top

of the highest cliff i can find

and think of the biggest hope i can dream of 

then

fly.

and live in the miracle of that thrill .

 

God is much more powerful than my hands

but right before He takes life unwillingly

there is a moment He gives

as one last chance.

a point where He lets you feel

the overwhelming strength of grace.

and proves to you how much more you can have if you come back.

 

so i have come back.

and that woman who i say saved me?

now its time to prove to her why i am still here.

why i am stepping apart from the crowd.

 

once again i am different.

i wanted to leave so badly

and join the stars in the night

to be a color in the rainbow.

but not because i didnt feel loved

or was depressed.

but because i did not love myself

and that set me apart.

so big lesson learned:

no one will save me but myself.

no one called to say they loved me

or came to take death gently from my hand.

no one was there to rescue me

except

God.

so i am going back,

to the life i once knew

almost took from myself

and now must learn to love.

love the world i live in

love the people i know

and then love the person i will become.

 

i am going back to school

back to the hate and fake smiles.

back to the people that will never take the time to think on me.

back from death to the everyday without any difference.

sometimes i wonder how well i hide all of this

this dark side of the moon, my other life.

i doubt it is very well

it must be like a elephant trying to hide behind a mouse.

but i still wonder why, if the others see me,

why dont they say so?

 

i have learned greatly, but also lost.

but i would rather have wisdom in my eyes, knowledge in my head, and experience in my hands

than to go through life without knowing what it is like to look at the face of death

<3 cally