This is my life. and its perfection.

.....my goodbyes and my will.

to my the girl i call my best friend, jessica,

to the few other people i consider important in my life,

and to whoever will make my funeral arrangements.

for future reference, they will be locked in the trunk in my closet.

hopefully they are found in time.

i wrote them

not because i am planning to die,

but because i have a feeling that i wont be around much longer.

it isnt like a somebody will murder me feeling

more like, i cant plan anything past my 20th birthday because i feel like it will never come.

a car accident, cancer, even the doing of my own hand could make me another star in the night.

it does to others.

and i just have that gut feeling it will happen to me.

im not a pessimist, and id like to think im somewhat optimistic.

it is just a feeling that is quite enormous now that i think about it.

goodbyes are unavoidable.

at some point everyone will be gone

so i am not afraid of this in the slightest.

to those i will leave behind,

i loved you

and i will wait for you on the road to life after death.

i promise.

to those who will have bloodshot eyes from crying,

smile with my memory.

my life wasnt perfect, but it was perfect to me.

 

to jessica especially,

right now i feel like i do anything with you by my side

and that if i talk, you will listen

hopefully i am right in trusting you so much.

i love you hun and i hope we grow old together, still best friends.

to tarryn,

you are at rehab right now

but the day after you left

i realized just how much it meant to me to see you in the hallway after 1st hour.

i dont have that moment anymore

and i miss it greatly.

it let me know you were alright and i had another day with you.

that last night's actions hadn't gone into effect yet. i could never be sure until i saw your smile.

thank you for being so strong, even when so much had happened.

i can not wait for you to come back just so i can talk to you once again freely and tell you everything.

i talked to you even when i wasnt sure you were listening, but now i know you were.

and now i feel lost that i cannot talk to you openly anymore.

but i think, in time, jessica will help fill that hole.

to emily,

i used to have a lot of hope and trust in you.

i still do of course, along with love.

but i feel that since tarryn left, something is different.

not bad, just different.

it isn't as easy to talk to you anymore

i feel almost like i see too much of myself in you

and i am afraid to open up.

and like we once told each other, i can't picture you later in my life, no matter how much i wish it.

you will grow up and even though i will try to keep in touch, i am not sure we will be together forever anymore.

that still could change though.

again to jessica:

i dont know exactly how you think of me.

but i know how much i love having you in my life will never change,

whatever happens.

if my passing occurs, you will live on without me in body

but instead in spirit.

i pray you will find comfort somehow

i promise to be with you.

 

read my heart, not my words.

life changes in a instant, a hour, and a day.

there are people i never knew that cared who i have grown close to.

and there are people who i gave my heart to who let me cry alone.

to everyone: thank you for making me strong

and my life worthwhile.

<3 cally