This is my life. and its perfection.

...it has come down to this.

this powder molded into shapes that have fallen in my hand.

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there are two lessons everyone must learn

one is to understand that we are alone.

the other is to say goodbye.

 

no matter how many times it gets said to me

"i know what you are going through" or "i'm here for you"

it still means absolutely nothing.

when you say something to me,

actually speak the truth.

because when you say something

and i can see in your eyes that you are thinking something else,

i lose your trust.

tell me the truth.

if the truth is that you are saying it because you love me,

i will listen and then cry because it means something.

if you lie,

i will be crying on the inside.

dont break my heart,

heal it.

i know that no matter how much they fade,

some wounds never heal.

dont make our friendship another knife that drips blood from my heart.

all i ask is that you try.

 

i learned today that we must say goodbye.

goodbye to ourselves

and goodbye to our friends.

what more are the people i talk to

and see everyday

than people i will eventually forget?

i will never, ever forget some

and it hurts so badly to say goodbye.

how can i go on without them?

stay with me

call out to me so i can hear your voice.

 

and in the end,

we have to say goodbye to ourselves.

goodbye to the happiness and comfort we once knew

and venture down the empty path.

alone.

i am saying goodbye to the girl i once was,

who was afraid to smile

who tried to ruin herself

who never cried because then everyone could see

who never wanted support from anyone

who was alone then.

but at the same time i am also saying goodbye to the girl i am now.

the girl who loves to be with her best friends

who wishes a smile were permenantely on her face

who doesnt regret her past or the present

who has taken strength from the sting of criticism

and who has built herself a place to stay.

i am saying goodbye to my past and present self.

i will be who i am.

no more, no less.

but why do none listen?

 

<3 cally

 

and love lifts.

what if the world just gave love?

no hate, jealousy, or anger.

no screaming, hurting, or killing.

if only there were just

hugs, kisses, and love.

what if knees didnt go weak

and voices die in the throat?

what if no one fell down

what if no one ran down the path away

what if love didnt hide.

why is it so unacceptable to love from the heart?

hate makes love so complex.

words make gossip spread.

so don't speak, love.

hear it, feel it, breathe it

....know it.

give it like there is no tomorrow.

for somebody, there might not be.

so pray for the sunlight to open your eyes everyday.

 

<3 cally

.....my goodbyes and my will.

to my the girl i call my best friend, jessica,

to the few other people i consider important in my life,

and to whoever will make my funeral arrangements.

for future reference, they will be locked in the trunk in my closet.

hopefully they are found in time.

i wrote them

not because i am planning to die,

but because i have a feeling that i wont be around much longer.

it isnt like a somebody will murder me feeling

more like, i cant plan anything past my 20th birthday because i feel like it will never come.

a car accident, cancer, even the doing of my own hand could make me another star in the night.

it does to others.

and i just have that gut feeling it will happen to me.

im not a pessimist, and id like to think im somewhat optimistic.

it is just a feeling that is quite enormous now that i think about it.

goodbyes are unavoidable.

at some point everyone will be gone

so i am not afraid of this in the slightest.

to those i will leave behind,

i loved you

and i will wait for you on the road to life after death.

i promise.

to those who will have bloodshot eyes from crying,

smile with my memory.

my life wasnt perfect, but it was perfect to me.

 

to jessica especially,

right now i feel like i do anything with you by my side

and that if i talk, you will listen

hopefully i am right in trusting you so much.

i love you hun and i hope we grow old together, still best friends.

to tarryn,

you are at rehab right now

but the day after you left

i realized just how much it meant to me to see you in the hallway after 1st hour.

i dont have that moment anymore

and i miss it greatly.

it let me know you were alright and i had another day with you.

that last night's actions hadn't gone into effect yet. i could never be sure until i saw your smile.

thank you for being so strong, even when so much had happened.

i can not wait for you to come back just so i can talk to you once again freely and tell you everything.

i talked to you even when i wasnt sure you were listening, but now i know you were.

and now i feel lost that i cannot talk to you openly anymore.

but i think, in time, jessica will help fill that hole.

to emily,

i used to have a lot of hope and trust in you.

i still do of course, along with love.

but i feel that since tarryn left, something is different.

not bad, just different.

it isn't as easy to talk to you anymore

i feel almost like i see too much of myself in you

and i am afraid to open up.

and like we once told each other, i can't picture you later in my life, no matter how much i wish it.

you will grow up and even though i will try to keep in touch, i am not sure we will be together forever anymore.

that still could change though.

again to jessica:

i dont know exactly how you think of me.

but i know how much i love having you in my life will never change,

whatever happens.

if my passing occurs, you will live on without me in body

but instead in spirit.

i pray you will find comfort somehow

i promise to be with you.

 

read my heart, not my words.

life changes in a instant, a hour, and a day.

there are people i never knew that cared who i have grown close to.

and there are people who i gave my heart to who let me cry alone.

to everyone: thank you for making me strong

and my life worthwhile.

<3 cally