This is my life. and its perfection.

no.

my path ahead should be clear.

but no amount of tears will make it so.

i have been asked to make a choice.

between my family

and my music.

between my grandmother's funeral

and my performances at Contest.

what she would have wanted would be for me to go with my passion.

i feel that i need to prove my love to her by going to her burial.

this decision that has been asked of me

is beyond my emotional ability.

back up.

Tuesday, March 26, 2008   8 a.m.

as my bell rang to begin my time of singing

Sandra Pettenger became a part of the rainbow.

God,

thank you for taking her

out of her pain

and into your open arms

where her parents are once again alive.

the sunday before

i had the oppertunity to visit her.

i did not take it.

it is incredibly hard to admit this to anyone.

how can i be so selfish.

i did not go because i was afraid.

afraid of the knives that would be stabbed into my heart when i saw her.

the day before

i had met her on her way home from the hospital

while i was preparing for the sadie hawkins dance.

and upon her face

was the shadow of death.

i saw it and my knees went weak.

i controlled myself and talked to her.

and then i said

i loved her.

that was my final goodbye.

when you say

you love someone

it never really hits you

that it could be

the last time.

how can i be so weak.

how can i be so wrong.

why is it that this time

when my tears fall

she is not here to forgive me

please hear my prayers stained with my tears, Grandma.

i now have a regret that will forever be in my heart.

i know you are in a better place

and i will see you again someday.

i love you

and how i wish i could just have one more day.

to hold you and tell you of my love.

but i know that

at the end of that day

i would only wish another.

you were always my teacher.

this is the greatest lesson

i could learn

and you sacrificed yourself to teach me.

that

Death is the essence of Death

while

Love is the essence of Love.

A world so great as the she of ours

lives only in the hands of her apostles.

Death until Death

and

Love until Love.

taking not the slightest applause

nor abuse

instead living with free rein.

for there is

Death in Death

and

Love in Love.

let them go

hand in hand

side by side.

thank you for teaching me.

it is only when i smile with the memory of happiness

that my tears stop their graceful slide

and i can be happy once again.

from now on

my love that i give

will be given in

one thousand times more.

and i will be not afraid.

"Be not afraid, I go before you always"

i love you Grandma

and until i see you

may that day come soon

i will be your hands on earth

work through me.

to your request

i can now say

yes.

love, your grandaughter

<3 cally