yet another walk down memory lane
it is hard to believe i wrote all those words less than 2 months ago.
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there are many emotional times in my life. when they come, i simply get out my notebook and pen. this is my story.
2008/5/11
2008/4/1
its the morning after....
....and i am still here.
still alive.
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i was saved.
by the very thing i thought was taking me.
again i will write about the God i believe in.
He reminded me of emily dickinson's "feathered thing".
hope.
but there was also a person i now associate with me still being here.
though she will never know.
the woman who taught me how to use my voice, saved my life.
she gave me the chance.
memories flashed before my eyes as i stared at
death's face in the compacted elements.
an utterly stupid reason to come back to this life.
but it is why i am still here.
that hope i had in my dream i finally achieved.
just a tiny chance given for some unknown reason
that it would make me who i wanted to be.
and once again that final survival instinct kicked in.
almost too late.
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i will not give up again.
i am living for the girl living inside me.
the girl who does everything just to prove to herself she can.
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it was the most thrilling
and terrifying moment of my entire existence.
to have that unbelievable power in your hand is simply incredible and indescribable.
i cannot wait to stand at the top
of the highest cliff i can find
and think of the biggest hope i can dream of
then
fly.
and live in the miracle of that thrill .
God is much more powerful than my hands
but right before He takes life unwillingly
there is a moment He gives
as one last chance.
a point where He lets you feel
the overwhelming strength of grace.
and proves to you how much more you can have if you come back.
so i have come back.
and that woman who i say saved me?
now its time to prove to her why i am still here.
why i am stepping apart from the crowd.
once again i am different.
i wanted to leave so badly
and join the stars in the night
to be a color in the rainbow.
but not because i didnt feel loved
or was depressed.
but because i did not love myself
and that set me apart.
so big lesson learned:
no one will save me but myself.
no one called to say they loved me
or came to take death gently from my hand.
no one was there to rescue me
except
God.
so i am going back,
to the life i once knew
almost took from myself
and now must learn to love.
love the world i live in
love the people i know
and then love the person i will become.
i am going back to school
back to the hate and fake smiles.
back to the people that will never take the time to think on me.
back from death to the everyday without any difference.
sometimes i wonder how well i hide all of this
this dark side of the moon, my other life.
i doubt it is very well
it must be like a elephant trying to hide behind a mouse.
but i still wonder why, if the others see me,
why dont they say so?
i have learned greatly, but also lost.
but i would rather have wisdom in my eyes, knowledge in my head, and experience in my hands
than to go through life without knowing what it is like to look at the face of death
<3 cally
2008/3/31
after all the dreams i aspired to do...
...it has come down to this.
this powder molded into shapes that have fallen in my hand.
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2008/3/30
two lessons.
there are two lessons everyone must learn
one is to understand that we are alone.
the other is to say goodbye.
no matter how many times it gets said to me
"i know what you are going through" or "i'm here for you"
it still means absolutely nothing.
when you say something to me,
actually speak the truth.
because when you say something
and i can see in your eyes that you are thinking something else,
i lose your trust.
tell me the truth.
if the truth is that you are saying it because you love me,
i will listen and then cry because it means something.
if you lie,
i will be crying on the inside.
dont break my heart,
heal it.
i know that no matter how much they fade,
some wounds never heal.
dont make our friendship another knife that drips blood from my heart.
all i ask is that you try.
i learned today that we must say goodbye.
goodbye to ourselves
and goodbye to our friends.
what more are the people i talk to
and see everyday
than people i will eventually forget?
i will never, ever forget some
and it hurts so badly to say goodbye.
how can i go on without them?
stay with me
call out to me so i can hear your voice.
and in the end,
we have to say goodbye to ourselves.
goodbye to the happiness and comfort we once knew
and venture down the empty path.
alone.
i am saying goodbye to the girl i once was,
who was afraid to smile
who tried to ruin herself
who never cried because then everyone could see
who never wanted support from anyone
who was alone then.
but at the same time i am also saying goodbye to the girl i am now.
the girl who loves to be with her best friends
who wishes a smile were permenantely on her face
who doesnt regret her past or the present
who has taken strength from the sting of criticism
and who has built herself a place to stay.
i am saying goodbye to my past and present self.
i will be who i am.
no more, no less.
but why do none listen?
<3 cally
2008/3/12
tears fall.
and love lifts.
what if the world just gave love?
no hate, jealousy, or anger.
no screaming, hurting, or killing.
if only there were just
hugs, kisses, and love.
what if knees didnt go weak
and voices die in the throat?
what if no one fell down
what if no one ran down the path away
what if love didnt hide.
why is it so unacceptable to love from the heart?
hate makes love so complex.
words make gossip spread.
so don't speak, love.
hear it, feel it, breathe it
....know it.
give it like there is no tomorrow.
for somebody, there might not be.
so pray for the sunlight to open your eyes everyday.
<3 cally
2008/3/11
today i found myself writing...
.....my goodbyes and my will.
to my the girl i call my best friend, jessica,
to the few other people i consider important in my life,
and to whoever will make my funeral arrangements.
for future reference, they will be locked in the trunk in my closet.
hopefully they are found in time.
i wrote them
not because i am planning to die,
but because i have a feeling that i wont be around much longer.
it isnt like a somebody will murder me feeling
more like, i cant plan anything past my 20th birthday because i feel like it will never come.
a car accident, cancer, even the doing of my own hand could make me another star in the night.
it does to others.
and i just have that gut feeling it will happen to me.
im not a pessimist, and id like to think im somewhat optimistic.
it is just a feeling that is quite enormous now that i think about it.
goodbyes are unavoidable.
at some point everyone will be gone
so i am not afraid of this in the slightest.
to those i will leave behind,
i loved you
and i will wait for you on the road to life after death.
i promise.
to those who will have bloodshot eyes from crying,
smile with my memory.
my life wasnt perfect, but it was perfect to me.
to jessica especially,
right now i feel like i do anything with you by my side
and that if i talk, you will listen
hopefully i am right in trusting you so much.
i love you hun and i hope we grow old together, still best friends.
to tarryn,
you are at rehab right now
but the day after you left
i realized just how much it meant to me to see you in the hallway after 1st hour.
i dont have that moment anymore
and i miss it greatly.
it let me know you were alright and i had another day with you.
that last night's actions hadn't gone into effect yet. i could never be sure until i saw your smile.
thank you for being so strong, even when so much had happened.
i can not wait for you to come back just so i can talk to you once again freely and tell you everything.
i talked to you even when i wasnt sure you were listening, but now i know you were.
and now i feel lost that i cannot talk to you openly anymore.
but i think, in time, jessica will help fill that hole.
to emily,
i used to have a lot of hope and trust in you.
i still do of course, along with love.
but i feel that since tarryn left, something is different.
not bad, just different.
it isn't as easy to talk to you anymore
i feel almost like i see too much of myself in you
and i am afraid to open up.
and like we once told each other, i can't picture you later in my life, no matter how much i wish it.
you will grow up and even though i will try to keep in touch, i am not sure we will be together forever anymore.
that still could change though.
again to jessica:
i dont know exactly how you think of me.
but i know how much i love having you in my life will never change,
whatever happens.
if my passing occurs, you will live on without me in body
but instead in spirit.
i pray you will find comfort somehow
i promise to be with you.
read my heart, not my words.
life changes in a instant, a hour, and a day.
there are people i never knew that cared who i have grown close to.
and there are people who i gave my heart to who let me cry alone.
to everyone: thank you for making me strong
and my life worthwhile.
<3 cally
2008/2/27
I decline profusely.
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no. Read the rest of this entry ... (465 words left) 2008/2/25my heart broke on the NIU valentines day.
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